I Know You Tried (Mother's Day)
I didn't really think about it until Facebook. My childhood was just what it was.
My relationship with my mother was just what it was.
But Facebook makes it different. Facebook reminds me that my relationship with my mother was different.
That my Mother's Day is different.
I can't post that my mother was everything to me. That she was my best friend. That I feel so lucky to have had her as a mom.
If I did, it wouldn't be true.
But I am a woman now. A mom.
I get it. I get that life is hard. I understand that my mother did the best she could.
If I could have one conversation with anyone in the world, it would be with my mom.
I would ask her what her childhood was like. Who her best friends were. Where she wanted to travel to. What she hoped for when she married my dad. What she liked about being a mom.
I'm not sure she would tell me, but I would ask.
She's gone now, so I can't do that.
I want to find her.
If I can't do that in person, I want to find her through stories. I have an aunt. I have cousins. There may be friends somewhere.
Not sure where this will lead, or why I am so drawn to do this. Maybe it's because I realize how little I know. How little I ever cared enough to ask.
Maybe it's that she is waiting to be found.
So yesterday, while most of my friends shared brunch or remembered how special their moms were, I sat down to write this. I only share with you because I know that maybe you, too, might have a mom who tried hard and that maybe yesterday was different for you, too.
It's only a beginning. There has to be more.
Mom I know you tried. Every day You battled demons Sometimes you won And I treasure those moments The yard sale routes we planned together Books were our greatest find The strawberries we picked With Grammie The ice cream after The allergy shots If I try really hard I can almost hear you laugh. I know you tried. But sometimes your armor wasn’t enough So you escaped Inside the tumbler With the gold rim And the wine that poured From the gallon jug Stored under the cupboard Next to the cereal boxes You probably didn’t know That the demons you fled Came for us instead They cut my lip And broke my eyeglasses When they flew into the wall After that slap on the face They told me I was a whore Because I wore eyeliner to school They made sure you forgot My 16th birthday But you couldn’t have known this, mom Your mama had demons, too She taught you how to escape And you spent hours on the phone With her To help her deal with those You made sure your mama was Well-cared for Such a good daughter you were I would tell you that If you were still here I would tell you that I love you It’s not easy to be a mother Daughters can be hard Sometimes really hard And I know you tried.